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I am upset, but I don’t think I am alone in this

Hey guys, don’t read if you don’t want to hear me talk about why I am sad in a public diary kind of way. It's ok if you don't! Music stuff will happen again eventually.

This school year for me (my senior year) has been nothing but let downs since it started around a month ago. Now, in September, I see myself desperately clutching at good things to hold onto, and every single one of them is a diluted form of a former glory. Something in the past that was once great, is now only good.

I have been falling back hard on the club I started as the saving grace of this year, but it doesn’t seem like enough to lift my spirits. All of my other activities have been shut down since the year started, hanging out, making things, playing games, everyone has too much going on at the wrong time. 

The worst part is, it feels like we all want to get together, but we can’t find a good time when we are all in a good spot and have the time. But at the same time, not doing these things is taking a toll on all of us (at least me, I’m guessing my friends too). Not to be too personal, but this feeling just generally sucks. It isn’t fun when you are desperately sailing through the stormy week towards the calm weekend, only to find yourself cooking in the sun as you have nothing to do but think about the next storm in the distance. 

On top of my school having very different vibes this year, not having classes with many people who bring optimism into my life, and the previous problem of not being able to connect with friends, I HAVE COLLEGE TO THINK ABOUT AS WELL.

The future is one of the most terrifying concepts that the mind can think of. Honestly, we need more horror novels just about the concept of the unknown nature of the future, but I digress.

College is scary not only because it is unknown, but also because one of the only known things about this looming beast, is that it IS DIFFERENT. Change is bad, change is bad, that's what my brain says. Even if it could be good, it’s gonna be bad first. 

I fear losing friends, connections, weakening bonds stretching across the country, maybe even the world. Until, eventually it breaks down and I have no traces of my current relationships. The ones that keep me up and running! (This of course is an extreme, but it illustrates my fears).

I don’t get to see my friends that much this year. I fear that our bonds will weaken and break, even before college starts. Truly that would be a sickening twist on my preconceptions about college.

This post was inspired partially by the difficult feelings I have been having recently, some new emotions I am grappling with, but also my friends' posts about a similar topic. I must give credit where credit is due, reading that entry helped crystalize some of my own heavy emotions into solid thoughts and words.

I hope that now these burdens are material, I can move them. But either way, it is somehow a good feeling knowing I am not the only one who feels lost, confused, afraid, disheartened, and many more things during this year of my life.

Have people been misreading senioritis as laziness when approaching the end when in reality it is the weight of the world readying itself for the plunge upon the shoulders of thousands of teenagers who are all ill-equipped to manage such a load? 

Perhaps.

I know this is very sad, but I’m doing ok enough at the time. I hope everyone else out there is doing the same or better. I will be back to review some more music soon. Perhaps a Raymond Scott song or a Beatles tune. See ya!